And Life Goes On...

Yesterday, a huge part of my past closed...died, essentially. I knew it was coming for some time, but I didn't know that I would feel the emotions that I'm experiencing for the loss. I thought I had come to terms with the "death" about a month ago. Now, it just feels odd. Like some piece of me is missing...I really don't know how to explain it.

When I was 12, almost 13 yrs old, I was going through so many changes. I had just moved back to Oklahoma from Alaska. I was mourning the loss of a new life and I was full of sorrow for the one I had to go back to. Things weren't perfect in Alaska, but they were different...better. I was finding out the strength I had, the strength that I never truly embraced. I was always afraid...afraid of the "what ifs." Now, I was back in the middle of nothing, with people all around trying to embrace who they thought I was...not allowing me the space to change and grow. I had a new sister, something I never thought would be possible. I had a step-family that I didn't know if I wanted. I was confused by all of the changes and all of the non-changes.

My mother is not a perfect person. I have many issues with her, but it has gotten easier over the years. Some is not her fault, some is her fault and she denies responsibility...not wanting to take blame for hurting someone she loves more than her own life. I do credit her with a few things, though. She pushed for excellence...something I wasn't always willing to do. She saw my talents as something not to be ignored. She pushed for me to get out of the suffocating existence she found herself in. She found my sanctuary. She found my rescuer. She found the one thing that was able to save my life and give it meaning. I will always be eternally grateful for that.

I had wanted to die. I don't really know how else to explain it. I have blank periods of my past...things I can't remember, or choose not to remember. I just remember feeling empty. I remember thinking of death. I remember that I didn't know hope anymore. I remember acceptance of what was.

One of the darkest days was in April 2004. My favorite teacher, a computer lab teacher, perished in an automobile accident. She fell asleep, and went off the road. Ms. Thompson was the only teacher that I can recall that saw my potential. She had this insight about people...She would encourage me, and subtly let me know that she believed in me. When she died, I went into shock. I realized how much she meant to me in that moment, but never knew beforehand. And that was it...it was over.

I don't really remember the rest of the day...I remember that my mother picked me up from school. I remember that on the next day some horrific explosion destroyed a building in Oklahoma City...my mother told me that children were inside. I asked if they were okay...she said no. She drove me into town, and dropped me off at yet another performing arts studio. This was her mission...she knew I needed to be involved in theatre...some way, somehow. I admire her drive.

I remember the first class. We took a side from the "Cybil" show...it hadn't even aired on TV. I was so excited that we were actually working on something that was fresh. This was fresh...exciting. That was it. I changed. That hour, that day. It was the beginning of the rest of my life. I would live. I would thrive.

I soon made several friends, other students. I got involved in voice and dance. I found my safe place, where I could totally be myself...something I had never been. I was free. I had a purpose after all. I grew into an adult there...an adult I'm proud to be.

Thank you. Thank you for giving my sanctuary. Thank you for being my home for nearly 15 years. Thank you for being a space for me to express and love and live. Thank you for being home to some of my happiest memories. Thank you for helping shape who I am. Thank you for making me the woman I am today. I am grateful.