Moments of Weakness...

I cannot begin to tell you the emotions I've experienced while beginning this new journey...this new part of my life. I have gone through grief, amazement, pain, sorrow, joy, excitement, numbness, relief, regret, accomplishment...what a mixture and array!

Tonight, I tried to go to bed early, but couldn't. I started thinking about my trek back to Tulsa in the next couple of weeks, and I realized I was going to miss Los Angeles and Santa Monica. Here I've been complaining about how much I miss home, and now I'm thinking about how much I'll miss it here! Seriously, the swing of emotional breakdowns and breakthroughs is getting on my nerves...But, this one rang through as truth. I've been considering moving back to Tulsa for a few reasons that I need not explain right now. Weakness. How can I go backwards when I've moved forward?

I've never truly known myself until now. I don't think I ever believed in myself enough that I would ever make this journey. I was always scared of being stuck in Tulsa for the rest of my life. But here I am. It's rough, it's scary, it's the unknown...my greatest fear of all. I used to think it was death that scared me, but boil that down, and it's the unknown. The little voice in the back of my head saying what if God doesn't exist and I've believed in something crazy and there's no hereafter. That voice makes me fear lots of things...relationships, risks, moves...So, I decided to not listen to the voice. Granted, I couldn't help but listen to that voice when it was screaming at me once I arrived in Santa Monica, but hey...I got past the border, right?

When I think of Tulsa, I think of my loved ones. I would move back for them, in a heartbeat. But then my thoughts turn to the city. Tulsa has great potential, but it's not there yet. There are things I enjoy about the city...but 99% of those things are because they involve my friends or family. Other than that, it's just a town in Oklahoma. Even though there are dark parts to Los Angeles life, it is full of opportunity. I discovered just in this week that I'm actually good at Web design and I can make a living at it...and a pretty decent one at that! I'm getting recommended by clients, and I enjoy the work. It's a great way to make a living while pursuing acting and writing. I feel like I'm a true business woman for the first time in my life. My work and credits speak for themselves...I feel truly independent.

For the past month, I have been trying to convince myself why I need to move back to Tulsa. Funny...I thought it would be the other way around. I thought I would be trying to convince myself to stay. But, I have plenty of reasons to stay. However, I didn't realize that until just a few minutes ago. If I could just transplant my loved ones here, this would be the perfect place on Earth...but what if it is the perfect place for me right now? What if this was designed to push me to use all of my potential and become the woman I'm supposed to be? I have a feeling this is the case.

I worry about the "selling out" factor involved in this industry. But today, I saw the beauty of the craft...the reason why I fell in love with acting in the first place. Film was, and always will be, my first love. I sat in front of the panel of the Oscar-nominated Editors for this year's awards. It was so intriguing listening to them discuss their pure passion for the craft. It reminded me of why I love it so much. I know I will never be just an actress. I am an artist, a writer, an actress, a singer, a dancer, a director...a renaissance woman. I love all things artistic, and the arts are what drive me to be my best. I don't want fame, I just want the honor of being in great works of art. I don't worry about leaving my mark on the world...I know I already left my mark on my loved one's hearts. I do this for the love. It is the greatest love I've ever experienced...will ever experience.

So, I choose to stay. I will visit home...staying in touch with my roots is a wonderful plan. I still worry about the unknown. But the unknown has treated me tremendously well so far...

Inspired by my starbucks visits...

So, I'm an addict. I mean, beyond an addict. It's not just the coffee...it's the atmosphere. In my Santa Monica Starbucks I frequent, there are these little corner seating areas that are a bit hidden behind a wall with booth seats. So, I get my own little corner...it's wonderful! These corners are coveted, and I usually win out...because I always get what I want. The other Starbucks that I frequent has the best outdoor seating...I just wish it had outdoor power outlets...sigh...

This week has been a week of extremes. I have gone from living on my own in an 800 sq ft apartment to living in a 600 sq ft apartment with a boy. I don't like living with people. I like my space...I like to do things the way I want to do them...I like to walk around naked. I like to sing and dance around the house...I can't do that here. Then, there's being 1500 miles away from everything I know and love. I'm not really feeling it yet, but it's the idea. And there's the fact that I scheduled my first week here to be free of anything in order to get acclimated. I'm someone that functions better doing something when there's big change or I flip out. So, I've been flipping out all week...I should know me better than that.

Back to Starbucks: So, it's funny. I sit here watching my surroundings. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, in film meet at Starbucks. For one, Santa Monica is a place where big industry people live and work. So, Starbucks has become this meeting place for all these industry folk. So, this morning, again walk in the men and women with their screenplays in hand to order venti sugar-free vanilla nonfat lattes and to meet with potential financial backers. Then, there are the writers sitting all over the store drafting the next big movie or tv series on their macbook pro.

I sit and observe. I wonder what they think of me with my grande soy with whip pumpkin spice latte and my Toshiba laptop? Who knows if they even notice me...