I CANNOT WAIT!!!

Moments of Weakness...

I cannot begin to tell you the emotions I've experienced while beginning this new journey...this new part of my life. I have gone through grief, amazement, pain, sorrow, joy, excitement, numbness, relief, regret, accomplishment...what a mixture and array!

Tonight, I tried to go to bed early, but couldn't. I started thinking about my trek back to Tulsa in the next couple of weeks, and I realized I was going to miss Los Angeles and Santa Monica. Here I've been complaining about how much I miss home, and now I'm thinking about how much I'll miss it here! Seriously, the swing of emotional breakdowns and breakthroughs is getting on my nerves...But, this one rang through as truth. I've been considering moving back to Tulsa for a few reasons that I need not explain right now. Weakness. How can I go backwards when I've moved forward?

I've never truly known myself until now. I don't think I ever believed in myself enough that I would ever make this journey. I was always scared of being stuck in Tulsa for the rest of my life. But here I am. It's rough, it's scary, it's the unknown...my greatest fear of all. I used to think it was death that scared me, but boil that down, and it's the unknown. The little voice in the back of my head saying what if God doesn't exist and I've believed in something crazy and there's no hereafter. That voice makes me fear lots of things...relationships, risks, moves...So, I decided to not listen to the voice. Granted, I couldn't help but listen to that voice when it was screaming at me once I arrived in Santa Monica, but hey...I got past the border, right?

When I think of Tulsa, I think of my loved ones. I would move back for them, in a heartbeat. But then my thoughts turn to the city. Tulsa has great potential, but it's not there yet. There are things I enjoy about the city...but 99% of those things are because they involve my friends or family. Other than that, it's just a town in Oklahoma. Even though there are dark parts to Los Angeles life, it is full of opportunity. I discovered just in this week that I'm actually good at Web design and I can make a living at it...and a pretty decent one at that! I'm getting recommended by clients, and I enjoy the work. It's a great way to make a living while pursuing acting and writing. I feel like I'm a true business woman for the first time in my life. My work and credits speak for themselves...I feel truly independent.

For the past month, I have been trying to convince myself why I need to move back to Tulsa. Funny...I thought it would be the other way around. I thought I would be trying to convince myself to stay. But, I have plenty of reasons to stay. However, I didn't realize that until just a few minutes ago. If I could just transplant my loved ones here, this would be the perfect place on Earth...but what if it is the perfect place for me right now? What if this was designed to push me to use all of my potential and become the woman I'm supposed to be? I have a feeling this is the case.

I worry about the "selling out" factor involved in this industry. But today, I saw the beauty of the craft...the reason why I fell in love with acting in the first place. Film was, and always will be, my first love. I sat in front of the panel of the Oscar-nominated Editors for this year's awards. It was so intriguing listening to them discuss their pure passion for the craft. It reminded me of why I love it so much. I know I will never be just an actress. I am an artist, a writer, an actress, a singer, a dancer, a director...a renaissance woman. I love all things artistic, and the arts are what drive me to be my best. I don't want fame, I just want the honor of being in great works of art. I don't worry about leaving my mark on the world...I know I already left my mark on my loved one's hearts. I do this for the love. It is the greatest love I've ever experienced...will ever experience.

So, I choose to stay. I will visit home...staying in touch with my roots is a wonderful plan. I still worry about the unknown. But the unknown has treated me tremendously well so far...

Inspired by my starbucks visits...

So, I'm an addict. I mean, beyond an addict. It's not just the coffee...it's the atmosphere. In my Santa Monica Starbucks I frequent, there are these little corner seating areas that are a bit hidden behind a wall with booth seats. So, I get my own little corner...it's wonderful! These corners are coveted, and I usually win out...because I always get what I want. The other Starbucks that I frequent has the best outdoor seating...I just wish it had outdoor power outlets...sigh...

This week has been a week of extremes. I have gone from living on my own in an 800 sq ft apartment to living in a 600 sq ft apartment with a boy. I don't like living with people. I like my space...I like to do things the way I want to do them...I like to walk around naked. I like to sing and dance around the house...I can't do that here. Then, there's being 1500 miles away from everything I know and love. I'm not really feeling it yet, but it's the idea. And there's the fact that I scheduled my first week here to be free of anything in order to get acclimated. I'm someone that functions better doing something when there's big change or I flip out. So, I've been flipping out all week...I should know me better than that.

Back to Starbucks: So, it's funny. I sit here watching my surroundings. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, in film meet at Starbucks. For one, Santa Monica is a place where big industry people live and work. So, Starbucks has become this meeting place for all these industry folk. So, this morning, again walk in the men and women with their screenplays in hand to order venti sugar-free vanilla nonfat lattes and to meet with potential financial backers. Then, there are the writers sitting all over the store drafting the next big movie or tv series on their macbook pro.

I sit and observe. I wonder what they think of me with my grande soy with whip pumpkin spice latte and my Toshiba laptop? Who knows if they even notice me...

So, I took the leap...

I did it. I really did it...I moved to Los Angeles. Well, Santa Monica, to be exact. I'm here to pursue my acting career. Well, that's how I started out this journey...

Here's the thing: It's my first week, and I've basically scared the crap out of myself. I think I've gone insane, and I've been begging my nearest and dearest to come take me back to a mental health facility in Tulsa, because all of the ones in Cali are way too expensive. Okay, so it's not that bad, but I don't do well with change. I had to stop thinking in order to make the move to begin with. Now, my thoughts have caught up with me. And they are saying, "What the hell were you thinking?!?!"

Okay, so it's fantastic if I can get out of my thoughts. I'm staying with a friend, and living virtually rent-free until I get enough jobs to help out with rent. Also, I live in one of the best neighborhoods you could live in. Also, it's absolutely beautiful here. The weather is perfect, everything is perfectly manicured and maintained, and the ocean is 3 miles away. Also, I've already got a few production jobs lined up and a couple of small acting roles to do...all of which pay. So, all in all, I've got it pretty sweet. I'm just out of my element. I'm a Virgo...it takes time for us to become adjusted and acquainted with our surroundings. Even with the adjusting, I can handle myself on the road and I'm able to find the places I need to get to. Life is good...

There are other things I'm processing, too. There are things I've left behind. People keep referring to my move as a clean break, but it really wasn't. Yes, all of my personal belongings are sold (minus my sofa), but I'm referring to unfinished business. School is one of those items, but it was a dead end for me anyway. Not that I'm not fantastic in school, just the degree was not for me. I will find something to finish my degree in that I actually enjoy doing. There's this thing I do called "pleasing others," and I think I was trying to please my family. Well, I'm getting that I'm the important one, and I need to do what's right for me. They will be happy if I'm happy. So, there ya go...I basically realized that it was a problem when I would go to school 6 days a week to workout, but couldn't seem to get to the 2 classes I had there during the week. Yeah, not my cup of tea.

Then, there's relationship stuff. I'm talking my relationship with everyone, including myself. I've been on this journey of finding my peace and really taking care of me for almost a year now. Last night, I caught myself saying that I wasn't sure what I was doing in Santa Monica. I mean, I get the gist of it, but there's more to this than the career. There's something about me that I'm searching to discover, and I guess I couldn't find it in Tulsa. Maybe I need to see how I live without all of my security blankets. I don't really know yet...

So many thoughts are running through my head at any given minute right now. I don't really physically miss Tulsa or my family or friends yet. I mean, it's only been 5 days since I left town. I'm thinking 3 weeks will be the determining factor for me. However, I will be right in the middle of filming, so...we'll see. Getting busy is key right now, so that's my focus.

I do get my happiness can only be found in me, but sometimes you have to take yourself out of your comfort zone to really be able to get to it. I know that I won't be in Santa Monica forever, but for this season. Then, there will be a new season. I'm not sure what that looks like, but I will know when I'm supposed to. I'm not even sure how long this season will last, but again...I will know when I'm supposed to. This is my sabbatical...I will enjoy the journey.

To my family, friends, and loved ones...thank you for allowing me to go on this journey. Hopefully, there is something we can all learn from this adventure. Love always...

Painting and Indie Films...

Tonight, I was invited to go to Circle Cinema to catch "Happy Go Lucky." I'm very happy that I went. I have never been to Circle Cinema, but they bring in fabulous indie and foreign films, and I can't wait to go back. I'm really looking forward to seeing "Let The Right One In." I've heard nothing but amazing things about this movie, and I can't believe it's actually coming to Tulsa. Circle Cinema is a gem, and should be enjoyed by all the intellectuals in town...

Afterward, I went home to paint. I haven't been inspired to paint in ages. It was a rare moment, and I took advantage of it. I can't really explain what I was going for, but I was inspired by color. I started with that, and then worked my way into an actual image. I finally saw what I wanted to paint, even though it wasn't really necessary to paint anything other than my feelings...does this make sense? Anyway, I ended up painting something that I kind of feel is a bit telling about the place I'm at right now in life.

The perspective is from out in the middle of the ocean, dark and choppy. Out to the left edge is a cliff, and then from there all the way to the right is more ocean. The sky above the cliff is dark and ominous...pouring rain. Over the rest of the ocean the sky is clearing up, and there's a hint of light coming from the right hand upper corner. The cliff is small compared to the vastness of the sky and the ocean. One tiny speck is standing at the edge of the cliff. The speck must be me. It's no masterpiece, but I like it. The ocean is so big and open...and scary, but the tiny cliff is solid and secure. I would rather be venturing out into this wide ocean than standing in a storm.

Nostradamus picks McCain...

So, I read an article this morning stating that Nostradamus predicted McCain to win the election. With one day left before we know the results, I thought this was a fitting time to post this. For the record, I do not support McCain or Caribou Barbie. Actually, I liked John McCain...I did, before he ever headed out on the campaign trail. And, I'm not a strict democrat...I more or less pick the candidate that I think is best for the job. In general, I loathe politics. Really, it doesn't matter who has the most experience or knowledge...it all comes down to who is more popular. So, yeah...I despise politics. Regardless, I think the best candidate is Obama, mostly because of Joe Biden. So, there's my vote.

Back to Nostradamus...apparently, in Quatrain 78, Century X, he predicted John McCain to win the election. And, here is the proof:

At the war's end:
The Feeble Kept One will strike down the Night
And his Imbecile Queen will rise from the snow
Bedecked in finery and the pelt of a wolf.

Hee hee...Have a Happy Election Day tomorrow!

Man Hunting...

On my continuing quest for the perfect man, I came across this:



I want Don Draper...I wonder if I could myspace-stalk him...

Drama, drama, and more drama...

Why, oh why do I love ellipses? I don't really know...

So, my laptop crashed Friday evening. It was the most frustrating, irritating, crippling experience of the past couple of months...I live on my laptop. I guess that means that I need to live more in the real world...

And yes, it is officially fixed. Actually, like new again. I had the blue screen of death...yea...that bad. Luckily, the only thing I lost were my Web page bookmarks. I'll discuss the laptop story in full later...

So, I'm in another show. It's fun and Halloween-themed. I like...only problem: I'm hurting myself physically every night! So, here's the deal: I bruise easily. I also try to live in the moment of the scene. I forget about all other things that are not directly involving me or the scene I'm in...I can't help it. It's a good thing, and I guess, a bad thing. See, in this first scene, I'm tied up to a chair. I'm unconscious, and I try to break free. So, I struggle. I struggle against the ropes and the chair. I can't get free, or I'm not supposed to. So, I fighting really hard...against myself. I never win. Then, the bruises come. Currently, I look like I have gigantic birthmarks on both my arms that spread out in weird patterns. Last week, one arm was bruised just appropriately that I looked like a heroine junkie. Last night was the first night that they actually started to hurt...

So, I'm fine. The cast feels horrible, thinking they've done this to me. It's all me, folks! My friend K called me a "method bitch" last night. I'm not really method, I just am in the moment of the scene...whatever! Anyway, I can't go out of the house without long sleeves on because people freak out. They see a hint of a bruise and they think I'm the victim of domestic violence. You think I'm joking? It's really funny to watch people as they take in my handiwork.

Anyway, I've got the day off from school and rehearsal and everything else. Gym time in about an hour, and then to bed early...laptop story to be continued...

Getting back on the horse...

So, I've been slacking off. After 6 weeks of intensive workout sessions and healthy eating, I slacked off. I really only have slacked off on the eating. I started eating late at night again, and what's with this new obsession with cheese?!?! Come on now, seriously?!?!?!

Anyway, I'm back. I have many goals approaching quickly. I was wanting time to move faster, but now I would like it to slow down again. I've been slacking in other areas, too, like school. I just need to press through this rough patch, and I'll come out the victor on the other end.

So, I'm OFFICIALLY back on the horse. No sneaking treats of any kind. I mean it. I can't even have a pumpkin spice latte...not one. They're crack. My own personal crack addiction. I can't even venture into a Starbucks right now. It really wouldn't be pretty...I also like their apple bran muffins. They're too good to be low in calories...way too good.

Okay, got to stop thinking about the crack. I have to think about how awesome my body is going to look by end of January. I mean, I'll still have some pounds to lose, but not a lot. The holidays are going to be tough, but I can do it. My will power is strong again, and I will conquer all!!!

Seriously though, pumpkin spice lattes were created by Satan as a way to torture me. Oh, and I haven't gained any weight, I just haven't LOST any more. And crack (aka pumpkin spice lattes) will not help me lose weight...crack is whack, yo!

Punch Drunk and Other Babblings...

I've had 3 hours of sleep in the last 24 hours. I'm going slightly insane with my constant ramblings on random subjects. I'm almost too tired to sleep now, and all I want to do is stress about the show that opens this weekend.

I'm overly insecure with anything I do right this moment, and I'm sure as hell letting everyone know that! ARGH! I think I need a hug...and a nap...

I'll get some sleep, memorize my lines, actually act like a professional actress during rehearsal tomorrow evening (well, I should say "today"), and get my crap in order.

On a side note, I did make some progress in the cleaning/organizing of my closet that's needed to happen since August 2007...when I moved into my loft. I threw out some clothes that will never fit me again (in the good way), and put together a pile to sell to a consignment shop. I also dusted, swept, and vacuumed the entire place...at 3AM. Yes folks...I really did.

Before I start anything else, I'm going to go to sleep...night!